Full review here.

Okay, and it’s the craziest thing, but.. Dark of the Moon didn’t suck.

I mean, there were parts about it that still sucked as hard as first Transformers and Revenge of the Fallen. There is still a manic disconnect between the slapsticky, broad, exaggerated humor of the first two acts with the ostensibly tragic, bone-charring deaths of hundreds of thousands of Chicagoans in the third act. Michael Bay is kind of weird.

Overall, it’s pretty coherent, but it stands up to scrutiny less well than a Steroids Era-slugger. Or the accounting practices of Enron. Or, and you may have gotten the jist by now, something that doesn’t have a leg to stand on, such as a frostbitten penguin. Decepticons pop off of the walls sometimes to ambush plucky little Shia LaBeouf, which is cool until you think “Wait, how long has that guy just been hanging around there? Did he decide to spend his vacation time being a stereo? Is that how these guys relax?” Then you have literally a dozen or more situations where a character is on the verge of being killed only to be rescued at the last possible second. After a while, all those fictional close shaves started to lose all meaning!

Yet for all its clownish buffoonery and dramatic manipulation, I couldn’t bring myself to hate it. And I hated the first two. I hated them so much I wanted to revive Unicron on the condition he hover over Michael Bay’s mansion and suck him up like the world’s hackiest jello shot.

Instead, with Dark of the Moon, well, it was kinda fun. That Chicago battle sequence may have lasted as long as a Lord of the Rings movie, but it looked great and had reversal after comeback after reversal. Was Dark of the Moon good? I wouldn’t go quite that far. But it’s far and away the closest the Transformers series has ever come to good.

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